Turtle Jack’s

Turtle Jack'sLocation: 108 Courtneypark Drive East, Toronto
Website: https://turtlejacks.com/

Nope.

Seriously: no.  I’m so sick of the no-effort pucks of despair that they serve at basically every Canadian chain restaurant like Turtle Jack’s.

Turtle Jack's

How?  How does this happen?  How can a restaurant serve a hamburger that’s so unambiguously bad that anyone with a mouth and functional tastebuds will immediately identify it as the off-putting garbage that it is?

That’s a legitimate question and I’d like someone at Turtle Jack’s to answer it.  Also, Turtle Jack’s?  While you’re here?  Get out of here with that horrific slop.  Get all the way out and never come back.

Turtle Jack's

The burger at Turtle Jack’s is incredibly dry and dense, and it’s an absolute bummer to eat.  It made me sadder and sadder with each mouthful.  The beefy flavour was almost nonexistent, with a vaguely leftovery funk that makes me think they might be precooking the patties and reheating them to order.  It’s bad.  Bad bad bad bad bad.

I feel no need to discuss it further, because it’s a piece of garbage that’s clearly made by people with the cynical belief that they can serve whatever the hell garbage they want and people will eat it.  If you order it, you’re proving them right.  Please don’t do that.  I ate it so you don’t have to.

Turtle Jack's

The fries were slightly better (because there’s really nowhere to go but up from that burger), but they were the boringest of boring frozen fries.

1 out of 4

Burger Maker

Burger MakerLocation: 4870 Tomken Road, Mississauga
Website: https://www.facebook.com/Burger-Maker-108408953847438/

Burger Maker is a bit of an odd concept.  Apparently it started out as a place called Sweets House that specialized in kunafe, a very tasty Middle Eastern dessert.

It’s a burger joint now, though the kunafe remains on the menu, and the Sweets House signage can still be seen in the restaurant.

I think it’s safe to say that there aren’t many restaurants in the world that specialize in hamburgers and kunafe, so that’s interesting.  Alas, I didn’t try the kunafe — they only sell it in big, shareable trays that they make to order.

Burger Maker

I did, of course, try a hamburger.

I got the BM Burger (should someone tell them that BM has… other meanings?), which comes topped with pickles, tomato, onion, lettuce, and BM sauce (seriously, someone should say something).

The patty is grilled, which is a nice change of pace, with a decent amount of flavour and texture from the grill.  Its flavour is a bit odd, however — I wouldn’t call it a full-blown meatloaf burger, but it’s definitely spiced with something beyond salt and pepper, and the spicing is mixed right into the meat, giving it a slightly sausage-like texture.

Burger Maker

Thankfully, the spicing isn’t too assertive, but it’s enough to cover up whatever mild beefy flavour that the patty might have had.  It’s not unpleasant to eat, but it tastes muddled — it’s not particularly meatloafy, and it’s not particularly burgery.

The well done patty was also a bit on the dry side, with a texture that’s slightly too finely ground, but it’s basically okay.

Burger Maker

The BM sauce was quite tasty, however, which is good because there was a lot of it.  It’s zingy and a little bit sweet, with a nice roasted garlic flavour.

The bun was slightly oversized for the patty, but it was soft and fresh enough that it was barely an issue.

As for the fries, they weren’t great.  They were overly crispy on the outside and slightly undercooked on the inside.

2.5 out of 4

Top Gun Burgers

Top Gun BurgersLocation: 5955 Latimer Drive, Mississauga
Website: http://www.topgunburgerto.com/

I’m not sure why it’s taken me so long to check out Top Gun Burgers.  I guess their original Kensington Market location opened shortly after The Burgernator, a nearby burger joint I didn’t care for, and it looked similar enough that I was never particularly motivated to try it.

In the meantime, however, Top Gun Burgers have done well enough to expand to eight locations throughout the GTA, so this review was long overdue.

Top Gun Burgers

Their fighter-plane-inspired menu has over a dozen choices, but I went simple with the Bobcat: “beef patty, fresh onion, lettuce, tomato, pickles and top gun aioli.”

It’s not the best, though it certainly looks impressive.  The smashed and griddled patty (of course it’s smashed and griddled, what else would it be??  There’s no other way to cook a burger, right???) looks great, with a picture-perfect amount of crust from the hot griddle.

Top Gun Burgers

Alas, though it’s certainly not bad, it doesn’t taste quite as good as it looks.

The patty is the biggest issue.  It’s been cooked to well done and beyond, not to mention the fact that it’s a bit too tightly packed.  It’s vaguely juicy, but still dryer than it should be. It all adds up to a patty that’s a bit of a tough chew.

Top Gun Burgers

The burger has a very mild beefy flavour; it’s nice, but not nearly as beefy as you’d like it to be.

The toppings are what you’d expect, other than the Top Gun aioli, which is zippier than the standard burger sauce, with a slightly smoky flavour.

The bun is mostly okay, though it’s a bit too dense.

Top Gun Burgers

As for the fries, they’re absolutely phenomenal.  They’re some of the best fries I’ve had in ages; they’re perfectly crispy and creamy, and the flavour is outstanding.  It’s worth coming here just for them.  Seriously, seriously good.

2.5 out of 4

Gourmand’s Burger

Gourmand's Burger (Gourmand 5AD)Location: 3100 Winston Churchill Boulevard, Mississauga
Website: http://www.gourmand5ad.ca/

It’s hard to get too excited about yet another place serving a smashed and griddled fast-food-style hamburger.  Unlike Toronto, however, Mississauga is still quite burger-starved.  There are exceptions, like Gladiator Burger and the now-ubiquitous Burger’s Priest, but great burgers are still something of a rarity in this city.

So fine, another smashed burger?  If it’s in the wilds of Mississauga?  Yeah, bring it on.

Gourmand's Burger (Gourmand 5AD)

(And yes, it’s bizarre that there are two burger joints in Mississauga with an ancient Rome theme, but as far as I can tell, this place and Gladiator Burger have no affiliation.)

Normally I’d order a restaurant’s namesake burger, but in this case the Gourmand is topped with cheese, bacon, fried onions, mushrooms, garlic aioli, and an egg.  It’s a bit much.  So I went with the simple cheeseburger instead.

The pricing is wonky; the plain cheeseburger actually costs less than the plain hamburger, at six bucks versus nine bucks.  I was told that this is because the classic burger comes with condiments (lettuce, tomato, onions, and pickles), and the cheeseburger doesn’t.

Gourmand's Burger (Gourmand 5AD)

Which means that they charge for even no-frills toppings like lettuce or tomato, or at least I’m assuming they do; I should have asked, but I was too busy being flabbergasted that a plain burger cost more than a cheeseburger.  I’m not sure that I’ve ever been to a burger joint that charged for basic condiments, but based on what my bill came up to, it seems like that’s the case.

I ordered the cheeseburger and had it topped with pickles, tomato, and mayo.  Which I had to pay for, I guess??

Gourmand's Burger (Gourmand 5AD)

It’s a solid burger.  The patty has a nice crust from the griddle, it’s juicy, and it’s got a fairly pronounced beefy flavour.  It’s not bad at all.

But the beef is way too finely ground; combined with the fact that they cook it all the way to well done, it gives the patty a slightly mealy texture.

Gourmand's Burger (Gourmand 5AD)

The cheddar-Jack cheese has a nice mild flavour, and would have suited the burger well if it were melted all the way through.  Alas.

The other condiments (which I paid extra for???) were fine, and the bun is what it looks like; it was fresh, lightly toasted, and suited the burger well.

As for the fries, they’re quite good.  They’re nicely cooked, and they have a very pleasant rosemary-tinged flavour.

3 out of 4

Reds

Reds Square OneLocation: 100 City Centre Drive, Mississauga (inside Square One)
Website: https://redsrestaurants.com/

I don’t know why I keep reviewing the burger at chains like Reds.  They’re always just as mediocre and personality-free as you fear they’re going to be, so why do I keep subjecting myself to them?  Because I hate myself, apparently?

Reds Square One

To be fair, Reds only has three locations, so it’s not quite a full-on chain like Moxie’s or Milestones.  It’s also slightly better than those types of places.  But it’s not great.

I ordered the Reds Burger: “lettuce, tomato, red onion, pickle, fresh baked potato bun.”

Reds Square One

It’s… well, it is what it is.  It’s mostly inoffensive.  The griddled patty is dry, because of course it’s dry, but it’s otherwise decent enough.  There’s a good amount of crust from the griddle, and the texture of the beef is basically where it should be.  The flavour isn’t particularly beefy, but it’s not unpleasant.  If it weren’t so dry, it would have been pretty good.

Reds Square One

The no-frills toppings are exactly what you think they’ll be, and the fluffy, fresh bun is actually really good.

I don’t know.  It’s a burger.  It’s mostly inoffensively tasty, but it’s so bland and unmemorable that it may as well not exist.

Reds Square One

As for the fries, they were mostly quite good, though they were a little bit undercooked.

2.5 out of 4

Queen Street Burger & Taters

Queen Street Burger and TatersLocation: 45 Queen Street North, Mississauga
Website: https://www.queenstreetburger.com/

I have a Google phone, and every now and then it’ll pop up with an unsolicited recommendation for a restaurant it thinks I’ll like — I guess based on my search history and places I’ve visited?  It is equal parts unnerving and impressive.

Recently, it popped up and said there’s an 87 percent chance I’ll like Queen Street Burger & Taters.  Its reasoning: “you seem interested in hamburgers.”  I seem interested in hamburgers?  It’s like you don’t know me at all, Google.

Queen Street Burger and Taters

Anyway, it’s fine.  I basically enjoyed it, so I guess Google was correct, but it’s not exactly a place I’d strongly recommend.

I ordered the Premium Burger, which is the bare-bones hamburger topped as you like.  I went with tomatoes, pickles, and Queen Sauce.

Queen Street Burger and Taters

They serve a griddled patty that’s significantly more substantial than the smashed burgers that are de rigueur throughout the GTA.  And for the most part, it’s not bad — specifically, the texture is on point and it’s actually decently juicy, which is particularly impressive considering how well done it is.

Queen Street Burger and Taters

But the flavour is lacking.  The patty is nicely salted on its exterior, but the flavour of the beef is middling and bland.  It’s neither pleasant nor unpleasant.  It’s just kinda there.  The patty also has almost no colour or crust from the griddle, which is unfortunate.

The Queen Sauce is slightly zesty, but otherwise doesn’t particularly stand out, and the bun is exactly what it looks like.

Queen Street Burger and Taters

I ordered taters on the side, mostly because it’s right there in the name of the restaurant.  I’d call what they serve here wedges rather than taters (I was expecting something more like this), but they’re tasty regardless, with a crispy seasoned exterior, and a creamy interior.  They reminded me of the wedges I used to order from a pizza place near my house when I was a kid, so at the very least, they gave me a nice comforting dose of nostalgia.

2.5 out of 4

Gladiator Burger & Steak


Location: 6039 Erin Mills Parkway, Mississauga
Websitehttps://www.facebook.com/GladiatorBurgers/

Here’s a complaint I’m pretty sure I’ve never made before: the burger at Gladiator Burger has too much beef.  It’s too beefy.

Is that even a thing?  I feel like Peter in that episode of Family Guy where he lies about going to the doctor and claims he was told he was “in too good of shape.”  That’s not a thing, is it?

I ordered the Gladiator Burger: “two beef patties, beef bacon, two slices Canadian cheddar cheese, caramelized onions, tomato, lettuce, pickles & Gladiator aioli.”

The menu says that the patties are six ounces each, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they were actually closer to eight.  They’re enormous.

I actually had a surprisingly hard time cutting it in half, because the burger was almost as tall as the plastic knife.  The knife went about 80 percent of the way in. It was nuts.

Too much beef or not, however: it’s a very good burger.

Gladiator Burger

The patties had a decent amount of crust from the griddle and a mild but satisfying beefy flavour.  The texture was great; the grind was nice and coarse, and they weren’t too tightly packed.

They were cooked all the way to well done, and I wish they were a little bit juicier, but they were quite good.  They were top-notch patties.

It’s clearly too much beef, though.  It should have either been a single, or had two smaller patties.  It’s good quality beef, but it would have needed to be phenomenal for me to want that much of it.  It’s overwhelming.  It’s the equivalent of ordering a triple (or a quadruple) at a regular burger joint.  It’s excessive.

Everything else was solid. The crispy beef bacon (which I’m pretty sure was deep fried) was satisfying, the cheddar was nice and melty (though American would have been preferable), and the griddled onions suit the burger perfectly.  The Gladiator aioli was the standard tangy mayo.

The bun was quite good as well, holding up nicely to the enormous burger without being too dense or substantial.

I should reiterate that it was a really, really good burger; it’s easily the best burger in Mississauga, though that’s not exactly a tall mountain to climb.  I just wish there were a little bit less of it.  I won’t say that I was not entertained, but I could have been more entertained (what, did you think I was going to get through this whole review without a strained Gladiator reference?  Come on). It’s also a bit pricey at almost twenty bucks for a combo — but then it’s like a pound of decent quality beef, so I guess the price makes sense.

As for the fries, they had a mild stale oil flavour, but were otherwise really good.

3.5 out of 4

Gladiator Burger - the outside Gladiator Burger - the restaurant Gladiator Burger - the burger and fries Gladiator Burger - the burger