What do you do if you’re planning on eating a burger before seeing a movie, and the burger joint turns out to be closed? And the backup place, too? If you’re a rational person, you’d say to yourself “Well, I guess I’m not eating a burger today,” and then move on with your life. If you’re me? You eat a movie theatre burger. Because how could that possibly go wrong?
Let’s be honest: I probably shouldn’t be reviewing this. No one in their right mind would order a hamburger at the movies, and even if they did, they’d do it with the full knowledge that they’re going to get something pretty lousy. If you order anything other than popcorn, nachos, or candy at the movies, you are fully complicit in the food crimes that follow.
They have a few different burgers on the menu; I went with the simplest one they had, which is a plain cheeseburger topped with ketchup, mayo, mustard, lettuce, and tomato. That’s a bit heavier on the condiments than I typically like, but in this case I figured the burger would need all the help it could get.
It’s a frozen patty, because of course it’s a frozen patty. This is one case where I can’t even get mad at a place for taking a taste-compromising shortcut like that. I mean, is anyone really expecting the pimply-faced teens at the theatre to grind and cook fresh beef? The fact that they even sell stuff like burgers and chicken sandwiches at a movie theatre is kind of crazy; of course it all comes from a freezer.
Though I’m pretty sure the burger actually started its life as an above average frozen patty, it was held for who-knows-how-long in one of those stupid warming drawers that have pretty much ruined fast food, and was thus completely devoid of anything even resembling moisture. It was sucked dry, with a salty, off flavour that didn’t even taste vaguely of beef.
The cheese — which was cold and unmelted — actually tasted like real cheddar, with a surprisingly sharp cheesy flavour that helped distract from the generic frozen patty taste. The lettuce and tomatoes were fine, and the various condiments tried their best to disguise the burger’s flavour.
The bun was the best element here by far. It was soft and fresh, with a slightly sweet flavour and just enough substance to hold up to the burger nicely.
I’m sorry to break this to you, bun: you did great, but you died in vain.
This would normally be the part of the review where I’d talk about the fries. I decided to spare myself. I mean, how much awful food are you expecting me to eat for your amusement? I think the burger is probably enough.