Markham – Tasty Burgers

Milestones

Published on October 23, 2016 by Michael NusairLeave a comment

Location: 169 Enterprise Boulevard, Markham
Website: http://milestonesrestaurants.com/

When you go to a chain restaurant like Milestones, you pretty much expect the burger to be lousy, and HEY GUESS WHAT HERE’S MILESTONES TO GIVE YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOU’D EXPECT. Here’s Milestones to serve you garbage because yeah, you’ll eat that garbage, so why bother?

I’m not even talking about just hamburgers right now, but can someone please explain to me why pretty much every single casual chain restaurant in Ontario is the absolute worst? Stuff like Boston Pizza, Montana’s, Kelsey’s, Shoeless Joe’s, St. Louis Bar and Grill, Moxie’s, and of course this stupid place are everywhere in the suburbs and they’re all just horrible. Why?

Actually, don’t answer that — I know why. Because they all do very well, so why change what works? I have to assume that at some point they realized that we’ll all happily eat garbage, so seriously, why bother? If they can serve grim, bottom-of-the-barrel prison food without it affecting their bottom line, why change?

This is all is my grumpy, roundabout way of saying that no, the hamburger at Milestones is not very good.

They have a few on the menu — I went with the Naked Burger, which is described as a “fresh, ground chuck burger seasoned to perfection, topped with lettuce, tomato, onion and our signature house-made burger sauce on a toasted egg bun.”

It was so dry. I don’t know if the beef was too lean or it was just catastrophically overcooked (I suspect a little from column A, a little from column B) but hot damn was it dry. It was the type of patty where it’s so dry that it just crumbles into chewy little meat-pellets as you eat it. It’s the type of patty where you have to reach for your drink every couple of bites because it’s so thoroughly sucking all of the moisture out of your mouth.

The flavour was fine — not particularly beefy, but not bad either. A little over-peppered, but okay otherwise.

The condiments were all as you’d expect, and the burger sauce (basically a garlicky mayo) did its best to add moisture to a moisture-free zone. The bun was soft and fresh and would have actually been pretty okay on a better burger.

As for the fries, they were completely soggy, because again: why should they bother?

1.5 out of 4

Tom’s Burgers

Published on October 25, 2015 by Michael Nusair1 Comment

Location: 5775 Highway 7, Markham
Website: https://www.facebook.com/TomsBurgers

Yep — another old school burger joint serving a grilled, meatloaf burger.

Hey, at least it’s not frozen — that’s an option, of course (because that’s the rule: every burger place that opened before, say, 1990 needs to have a frozen burger on the menu. Don’t ask me why), but they also serve a burger labeled as homemade.

I ordered the homemade, because I’m not a crazy person, but if you really like your burgers rubbery with an indiscriminate meat-like flavour, the frozen burger is there.

The sky was still blue and up was still up, so I knew that it was going to be a meatloaf burger, and it was. No; pigs have not learned to fly quite yet.

It was okay. It was super meatloafy, with the flavour coming predominately from the seasoning, and with a vaguely mushy texture from the sheer volume of non-meat-related gunk they’ve got mixed in.

It wasn’t overly dry and it didn’t taste bad, I guess, so it’s got that going for it, but even by the standards of meatloaf burgers it was middling.

It was grilled, with a nicely crispy, smoky exterior; this was a highlight. Actually it was the highlight, because there wasn’t much else that stood out here.

But again, it wasn’t bad — people like it (in fact the impetus for this particular visit was a recommendation from a friend on Facebook), and I guess I can kind of see why. I’ve certainly had worse.

I ordered it as a combo with fries and a drink, and a ten dollar bill netted me some small change, so it’s definitely not overpriced.

As for the fries, they were typical frozen fries. Bland, but they get the job done.

2.5 out of 4

Smash Kitchen and Bar

Published on May 10, 2015 by Michael Nusair3 Comments

Location: 4261 Highway 7, Unionville
Website: http://www.smashkitchen.com/

The problem with the abundant, booming popularity of hamburgers in this city is that for most restaurants, having a burger on the menu is more of an obligation than an option. Unless a restaurant is dedicated to a very specific type of cuisine, there’s gonna be a hamburger on the menu.

Remember that scene in Chef where Dustin Hoffman crushes Jon Favreau’s dreams of cooking a personal menu, telling him that he’ll continue to cook what he’s become famous for, and he’ll like it?

I imagine that some variation on that scene plays out every time a chef in a restaurant like Smash Kitchen and Bar decides he has no interest in making a hamburger.

Oh, you don’t want to serve a burger? Do you still want to be employed tomorrow?

This is all a fairly roundabout way of saying that the burger at Smash feels perfunctory. It feels joyless. It’s not bad; it’s alright. But it’s clearly made by someone who doesn’t quite understand what makes a good hamburger so special. By someone who doesn’t really care.

I ordered the Smash Burger, which is described as being topped with “Cheddar cheese, onion rings, Smash sauce.”

I normally like to mention whether a burger has been griddled or grilled, but honestly, the burger was so middle-of-the-road that I don’t remember. Nothing about this hamburger is particularly memorable, other than its in-your-face mediocrity.

It wasn’t horrible, but the patty is vaguely meatloafy and oddly sweet, with a middling, barely-there beefy flavour and a slightly mealy texture.

The condiments were fine and the bun was fine. The whole thing was fine. It’s certainly not great, but it tastes okay and it basically gets the job done.

It’s clear that the kitchen at this restaurant can put out food that’s better than okay, because the fries were quite good, as were the appetizer and dessert that I tried. But it’s also clear that they serve a burger not because they want to, but because they have to.

Basically: it’s obligatory. And it tastes obligatory.

2 out of 4

Chef Burger

Published on February 22, 2015 by Michael NusairLeave a comment

Location: 8910 Yonge Street, Richmond Hill
Website: http://www.chefburgers.ca/

Burger? Check. Cheeseburger? Check. Fries? Check. Onion rings? Check. Tongue sandwiches? Check. Wait, what?

You don’t often find a burger joint with multiple tongue sandwiches on the menu (both calf and lamb), but Chef Burger’s Middle Eastern owners obviously have a bit more on their mind than just burgers and fries.

I was actually kind of tempted to get one of those tongue sandwiches, but then how would I satisfy my insatiable need to review more and more burger joints for this blog? I ordered the namesake Chef Burger, and had it topped with their special sauce, along with pickles and tomato.

The grilled, well done burger is somewhat juicy, but it’s too finely ground, giving it a vaguely mealy texture. I’ve certainly had worse in this regard, but I do wish that the grind was a little bit more coarse.

It’s also a meatloaf burger — but as far as these types of burgers go, the flavouring is pretty subtle. I definitely noticed onions in there, but it otherwise wasn’t very aggressively spiced. You’d think this would allow the burger’s beefy flavour to shine through, but not really. It’s surprisingly bland. It doesn’t taste bad, but it’s very neutral-tasting beef.

Any issue with the flavour of the burger itself, however, is almost entirely moot if you get your burger topped with their special sauce — a garlicky, tzatziki-esque concoction that, while tasty, completely overwhelms any other flavour that the burger might have. It’s good, but man, it is seriously in your face.

The other toppings are pretty good, and the bun is surprisingly good. It looks like it should be too big, but it’s fresh, light, and fluffy, and suits the burger perfectly. It also has a very lightly crispy exterior, which is always delightful.

The fries, however, aren’t great. They’re not terrible; they’re just run-of-the-mill frozen fries. They suit their purpose, but don’t do much more than that. My dining companion got the onion rings, which are pretty much the same deal: frozen, mediocre, okay.

2.5 out of 4

Big Jack’s Burger Shop

Published on October 5, 2014October 6, 2014 by Michael NusairLeave a comment

Location: 8384 Woodbine Avenue, Markham
Website: http://www.bigjacks.ca/

Every burger joint I visit, I go in hoping I’m going to love it. I know I can occasionally come off as nitpicky, but I eat every hamburger looking for things to love, not things to criticize. Nothing would please me more than to spend the rest of my days writing nothing but glowing reviews.

That being said… some burgers just aren’t very good. Sometimes I’ve gotta pick nits.

Big Jack’s is actually in the same location as Prime Burger, one of those really old school burger joints that was probably older than many of its customers. I had meant to check it out for ages, but alas, I never got around to it. Such is life.

It’s a fairly small place, but there are a decent amount of tables inside. They have a handful of signature burgers on the menu, but the topping selections — including one with pulled pork, and one with grilled cheese sandwiches instead of a bun — were a little bit too busy for my liking, so I went with the plain burger. I got it topped with my usual tomato, pickles, and mayo; with a drink and a generous portion of fries, it came up to about eleven bucks.

I wish it were better than it was, but sadly it just wasn’t very good. For one thing it’s a meatloaf burger, and an especially strong one at that, with the spices and who-knows-what mixed into the patty effectively steamrolling whatever beefy flavour it might have had. It didn’t taste bad per se, but the spicing just seemed to be there to be there; it had no real purpose. It didn’t enhance the taste of the beef, it only obscured it.

The griddled patty was cooked all the way to well done, and featured the unholy trinity of dry hamburger cookery: beef that is overly lean, too finely ground, and too tightly packed. This results in a burger that’s dry, dense, and tough. When a burger practically requires as much chewing power as a thick steak, you’ve got problems.

The toppings were fine, however, and the fresh sesame seed bun suited the burger perfectly.

As for the fries, they were the clear highlight. Thinly cut and perfectly fried, they were delicious. If this blog were called Tasty Fries, I’d be giving this place a pretty high rating, but it’s not so I won’t.

1.5 out of 4